At age 32 we tried to conceive however after missing my cycle for the very first time I knew it happened but only days thereafter I had severe pain after my usual exercise routine.  I went to use the bathroom and secreted a little pinkish sack.  I proceeded to see a doctor, took some tests which confirmed that I had HCG levels.  So, the doctor concluded that I had a “suspected miscarriage”.  We were disappointed but never devastated as the miscarriage was at an early stage.  We then waited a few months to try again.  In the meantime, I did a check up with a doctor who was recommended to me.  She did some tests and found something on the ultrasound but would require more tests.  

Unfortunately, there was a language barrier and I did not understand most of what the doctor was suggesting. So, I consulted another OBGYN, who ran some tests and I was told that I had fibroids.  She suggested to me that it was my choice to perform a myomectomy to get rid of the fibroids or take some medication that would help to suppress the growth of the fibroids during pregnancy.  Of course, you have the outside “doctors” in the family as well, suggesting the try of natural medicines to help eradicate the problem.  I was anxious about undergoing such a procedure, so I opted for the “bush medicine”.

Well my husband and I along with some family members travelled to the Cayo District to visit a lady in San Ignacio who sold medicine to help with fertility issuesand massagedpregnant women.  Strange enough, I cannot seem to remember her name.  She shared with us that she helped so many women to get pregnant.  So,we went ahead and bought the medicine and followed the instructions.  Months later we got pregnant again.  We were excited and nervous at the same time.  We knew that I had fibroids so the pregnancy would have been high risk.  Nevertheless, we trusted God and moved on.  Further into the pregnancy, I started to have high blood pressure.  As time passed by it got worse.  When the pressure would rise, I would feel extremely weak and sick.My mother-in-law/father-in-law would often pray for me when my episodes of high blood pressure would go up and each time, I would feel better a while after.

At this time we were faced with another disappointment, but God was with me always despite the situation that arose.  I reached my 27^th week of pregnancy. By this time, I could feel him moving actively aroundin my womb.  I would never forget one ultrasound where I saw him moving up down with so much energy that it brough laughter to me.  Unfortunately, the pressure came on again one weekend and I could not do anything but lay down.  While getting up to use the bathroom, I felt a sudden jerk from inside like something was wrong with my baby.  I spoke to him asking “what’s wrong baby?” while holding my belly.  The rest of the day I did not feel him moving up and down inside me.  But this did not startle me as this was my first pregnancy which reached so far.  The next day on Sunday, my niece and nephews came over after church to visit me and prayed with me (they were little ones at that time and I found it strange as that was the first time they did something like that).   Sunday passed and I still did not feel anymore movements from my Arion.  Monday came and I got ready for work and praise God my check-up was that same day. Throughout the course of the day, I was starting to feel pain but still did not think that something serious had happened.  My husband and I visited the doctor right after work.  We took an ultrasound and during that whole time we were happy and excited to see the results.  After taking the test the radiologist said nothing to us.  I found that to be strange.  Nevertheless, we proceeded to see our doctor only to hear thatwe had lost our baby.  I could not believe it.   My in-laws could not believe it either.  My parents and siblings did not believe it.  We did not want to accept it.  So, we debated whether to take an emergency induction or go seek another opinion from another doctor.  Due to disbelief of what took place, we went to another private hospital only to find out that it was true.  We were shocked and devasted as I had already bonded with Arion.  The emotional pain was beyond telling.  I could not wish this for my worst enemy.I saw for the first time my husband cried.

We arranged to inducelabour the next day.   It was so ironic that most women experience the pain only to have their bundle of joy delivered to them {alive} but my pain was suffered only to have a still born baby on January 13, 2009.  Two days later was my birthday.What a birthday gift.  There is one thing that I regret up to this day and that is not seeing Arion and holding him after delivery.  After delivering him my pressure was extremely high.I also suffered preeclampsiathe previous night.  Therefore, I avoided seeing or holding him to protect myself fromraising my pressure any higher.  It took me three days to be released from the hospital because my pressure refused to go down.  I went home with my pressure still high.After all that drama that took place, the emotional pain lingered and grew.  It was the beginning of grief in my life.  Crying so hard that the neighbour next door would call to check on me.  Crying in the car while out doing an errand, holding back the tears watching each woman passing by with a baby or sitting at a baby shower.  It was torture especially on Mother’s Day.  I grew bitter at some women who got pregnant and treated their babies badly or those who literally dumped their babies because they did not want them.  The spark in me went out for a while.I was depressed on and off over a period.  I smiled on the outside while I cried on the inside.  Despite all of this, I kept my faith.  I could not understand what was going on or why I was going through all this but still gave God thanks for life.  If it were not for the appointment being set that specific date, my system would have been poisoned and face the possibility of not conceiving again.  Additionally, I suffered the preeclampsiawhich could have killed me.So, I gave God thanks as things could have been worse.

After follow-up appointments, we decided to undergo a myomectomy procedure which would mean removing the fibroids that were in my womb.  The procedure was successful and most of the fibroids were removed.  I took some contraceptives for three months thereafter to protect me from possible pregnancy which would at that time be a jeopardy to my life.  We had to wait for my scars to be healed before we started to try again.  We waited months later for the healing process to take place.  During this period, I started to educate myself regarding fertility issues and praying of course.  I never stopped believing that God would bless me someday with my two children.  This was the amount of children Tyrone and I wanted.

Months and months went by and we started trying again.The whole trying process had put a strain on our sexual relationship as the trying became more of a job to accomplish a goal.  Nevertheless, we kept on trying and trying until one day I noticed I missed my cycle.  I knew I was pregnant again.  After confirming, we were both excited and nervous at the same time.  Immediate family members and close friends were all happy to hear the good news. This time we changed our OBGYN and told the doctor my history.  I had saved every test and report in a folder which was extremely helpful.  Weeks went by and while I was at work, I went to the restroom and I came across spotting.  This did not look too good.  I became anxious and visited that doctor who ordered a test.  When I got back the results it proved a third miscarriage.  I was angry with God for a day or two.  I remember after taking the test and not hearing any heartbeat I rushed in the bathroom and said to God “why are you allowing this to happen to me?  I am obedient to you and serving you and still you allow this to happen to me”.After the two days had passed, I calmed down and came to my senses.  I immediately asked God for forgiveness.  “How can I bite the hand that feeds me” or how can I turn away from the very God who I need to sustain me and give me strength”.I went through the D&C (Dilation and Curettage)procedure and shortly after had a breakdown in the hospital with the crying again.  I fell into depression again.

For the next year and a half, I had the ‘battle of the mind’ episode.  It was like in the cartoons when you see the devil on one side of the shoulder and an angel on the other.  To every time the enemy told me I would never have kids, I answered with the Word of God.  We went on to look at the possibility of invitro fertilization and the possibility of adoption.  None of which we really wanted but still was willing to do.  I even went through embarrassment as everytime you came across certain people who were not close to you, they would bring up the subject of miscarriages.  Some statements were hurtful and inappropriate at the time e.g.‘When are you going to try again?’,‘Don’t you want kids?’Of course,the praying continued.  By this time, family members, church family and close friends knew what was happening and would cover us with prayersand encouragement.  I never stopped believing for my own child.  I remembered asking God to lead me to the right doctor who was going to help because they genuinely cared.  Well I can say that my prayers were answered.  I found that doctor and God used her in our lives.  She worked with us throughout the whole process of trying to conceive.  She was there through the ups and downs.

I would never forget the last breakdown I had one evening on the bathroom floor.  I was praying and literally bawling asking God why Heis not blessing me with my heart’s desire.   I do not understand why I must go through all this while I have been faithfully serving Him.  I felt defeated at that point and felt that my marriage would be without children.  Well, I am happy to say that ironically, throughout the bawling on the floor and pouring out my heart to God, I was already pregnant and did not know.   I missed the next cycle shortly thereafter and I knew that another opportunity had come along.  This time was so different.  My mindset was totally different.  I was not as anxious as I was with the other pregnancies.  I did things like open my own business during my pregnancy.  Maybe that helped me to shift my energy into something else that would take away the anxiety.  I remembered others being the anxious ones for me.  I had no complications, not even morning sickness. The pregnancy was like night and day compared to the previous three.  Months passed and everything was fine.  Just the usual fatigue of a pregnant woman.  No pressure was present from beginning to end.  This was truly a miracle.  One would never think I had complications previously.

The day came when I finally reached 38 weeks of pregnancy.   My doctor advised me that I would need to get a C-section at that time to avoid any complications.   On October 17, 2013, I gave birth to Aaron Uriah Raymond Gill.   Six pounds and seven ounces.  I held my breath when I did not hear him cry.  When I heard him cry, the feeling of hearing and seeing him for the first time and giving him his first kiss was beyond telling.  I was filled with joy, relief and excitement.  It felt as if though I was in a dream and needed someone to pinch me.  All was well with him.  I give thanks to God for this miracle baby.  Two years later, I recall sitting at my desk at the office, joking around with my co-worker and I just shouted out loud, “Khyra Nicole Gill come forth”.  Well they say that life and death is in the power of the tongue.  The next month I missed my cycle.  I thought I would never conceive again because we were not even trying for another baby after the experiences we went through.   But deep down inside I knew I would love to have another child.  Khyra came as a surprise.   Again, this pregnancy was smooth with no complications as I had experiencedwith Aaron.  On September 27, 2016, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Khyra Nicole Aria Gill.  Well this one came out crying with no delays.  She had a full head of hair and rosy cheeks, weighing 8 pounds and 9 ounces.  

God was faithful to me and to Him I give all the glory as He has blessed me with two beautiful and healthy children.  They have healed my emotional pain and lifted my depression.  Sometimes I just watch them in awe and remember the rough journey I went through and at the end I received my blessings.  I would also like to say thanks to my parents, in-laws, siblings, church family and my husband for the support and prayers put forth on my behalf.  Every year I visit Arion’s grave to keep his memory alive.  I often think of him and still get emotional after so many years ago which is normal.  I wonder what his personality would have been likeand what he would have been.  Everyday I remember him as I surround myself with simple things which remind me of him.  I take comfort that he is in a better place playing with his siblings and little cousin, Zayda.

I encourage any couple who is trying to conceive, to never give up.  If it happened to me, it could happen to you.  Educate yourselves regarding fertility issues for both male and female.  Sometimes it is the simplest things that can be hindering your success.  Exhaust all avenues and after all is said and done, let go and let God.